Other people and me

You see, im a bit uncertain these days.

I fucked up all my possible relationships with all kinds of girls recently and there dont seem to be any opportunities like that for me out there in the near future. You see, im a person that hates being lonely.

Thats quite weird, isnt it? I mean, i often seek loneliness for some odd reason that i dont know. I feel strange when im around people. Im not really happy then. I feel better when im alone somewhere, but theres still something missing then. Id like to be with people while i actually want the opposite at the same time aswell. Thats not logically possible. I dont know what to make out of that feeling.

Additional to that, it feels like im not going anywhere recently when it comes to potential friends or potential girlfriends. I kinda feel stuck. Somtimes that doesnt bother me, sometimes i feel really concerned about it. I mean, im smart enough to know that i can not always just do everything alone. There will be a time where i need to rely on people that are close to me. Before i can do that though i actually need people that are close to me. Logical, isnt it? Thats not as easy for me as it is for others.

I recently felt like i slowly changed my mind to various things and im on my way to being a more friendly human being towards others. Thats a long process though, and im still really fucking uncertain about it. Is this really helpful? Isnt being a dick the way to go if you want to achieve something in this world?

I thought that way for the last few years. Look where it got me. I got a good job, sure, but that doesnt make me happy at all. But that depends on your life goals, right? For the longest time i had no goals at all, so i just adapted to a rather hostile and pessimistic environment and became like that myself. As i wrote, im on my way to change that (atleast i think i am).

Im wondering if that will be enough to change my future when it comes to other people. Im also wondering if that is even important at all. Who knows, right?

Im not a good youtuber

And i will never be. Seriously though, i suck hard at that stuff. It all sounds good and funny to me while im playing and doing stuff and everything, but when im listening to it afterwards… good god. Its just horrible. If i were to listen to a 15 minute-long video of me talking about shit i’d go nuts. I propably should stick to other things. Maybe writing? Not sure though.

I may have written about this before (like, many months ago or something), but im still not sure what im supposed to do with my free time. I could do a lot of things, but its up to me willing to invest time in anything.

But i guess i can kinda scrap youtube as an idea. Im no good as a person that wants to speak to others to entertain them. Just because you like to play games doesnt mean that you are any good at entertaining people.

Well, whatever. So thats what i did these days. How are you guys doing?

And i did it again… and im struggling too.

I dont know what this whole “writing challenge” stuff is all about, but i read a lot about it these days. Maybe i should try that at some point. Or maybe i shouldnt because ill just end up cursing and fooling around. Oh well.

Im actually feeling quite good these days. Im like dating meeting up with a girl again (hopefully, soon). Unlike the one before where i wasnt excited at all im quite nervous this time. Shes someone that really got a good character and she actually got similar hobbies and morales like me. Thats something i dont meet quite often. Okay, i pretty much never meet people like that. But because she is like that im not capable to read her behaviour at all. I mean, im bad at that anyways, i know that, but i totally dont know what she wants. Well, i propably going to do things nice and slow here. Or atleast, im trying to. Im way to excited for this so im propably going to fuck it up anyways. Lets see.

Except for that, im writing on a philosophy blog post about refugees. The excitment, right? Theres a lot happening here in germany because of refugees, so i thought it would be appropriate to write about it. It turned out that this is quite hard. I have to be careful about that what i write because i am german when it comes to matters like that. Dont get me wrong, i like it that my country wants to help them with all that we have. But theres a lot philosophical to that. And its difficult to put it in words.

Well, lets see how this will turn out. Look forward to it or something.

Im seeing things. Weird things.

So, i did mention in the past that im playing games, right?

Im in a bit of a dilemma these days. Can i actually play games while im im scared of things? You know, like, can i relax while there are things out there that i should fear?

Im not sure. These days i fear a lot of things. I actually got problems to sleep when im lying in my bed. Theres airplanes, trains, cars…a lot of things out there that make sounds. Im scared of a lot of them. Somehow im recently also scared of asteroids destroying earth. Im not sure why. Chances are that i would notice that before i actually die from that. Sounds and stuff like that, you know.

Well anyways, im slowly fading in some sort of crazy state of mind. Im sometimes seeing a big hairy cat with large eyes, watching me from somewhere. It seems to be friendly though. Maybe thats my guardian angle. Who knows. I once saw that one on the side of the street while i was driving to work. It was somehow a pleasant feeling to see it, allthough i was really confused afterwards.

Odd things are happening sometimes, right? Maybe i will meet that being in my dreams at some point. Im going to hug it then. Or something like that.

My own little fantasy world

Hi guys. How are you doing today?

So, im all about working these days. Im working, im coming home, im eating stuff aaaaand im in bed. Its pretty much like that. Meanwhile im trying to find a girl that actually wants to date me. Thats pretty hard.

And you know, im wondering about all sorts of things too. I may be working a lot, but that doesnt mean that my brain is all occupied. Its that strange feeling that your hands are moving and doing things while your mind is really fucking bored. The stuff i actually need to do at work isnt all that hard, so i got that kind of situation quite often. What to do about that? Well, i solved that one quite early on in my life. Im starting up my fantasy world in my mind everytime my mind is bored. I actually thought of a whole world with characters and stuff like that. A story is happening in that world while i follow a certain character that lives there. That is actually quite fun, allthough i recently had a few “inspirational” problems there. And thats also what i want to write about in the stories i was already talking about in a few blog posts. About that world. Its a weird one though. Im a big fan of animes, so theres a lot of those kind of things in there. I also like emotional and heroic stuff with weak people that discover their strength, so i also put that in there. In the end its propably just one big clusterfuck, but i enjoy it a lot to think up a background story of certain characters. Now theres just one thing left: Write that stuff down somewhere. You cant get your story out there if you dont write it down. But im going to do that awell. At some point. Hopefully. Until then im going to blog here about how much i like that world i want to write about. My very own world. Hmmmmm.

SumItUp-Sunday: Stuff actually seemed to get started, but then it didnt

Hi guys.

Its me, your favorite weird guy in the interwebs. Or well, if you compare me to the likes of gronk (german youtube guy that isnt funny at all) or other internet guys im propablly rather normal.

Today im going to present you with a little summary of that what happened this week.

I mean, i wrote about how i wanted to do things and how i actually did stuff… and you know, i didnt continue to do so. Thats pretty sad. But fear not my dear readers, i really WILL continue my novels at some point. And i will post them here. AND YOU. WILL. LIKE. THEM. Theres no other option for that. Moving on…

I actually noticed my weakpoints this week. Again. Thats pretty much happening all the time. Im a emotional asshole that likes to make fun of people. I simply do so because its fun (…and i dont know how to deal with people otherwise). I also just cant help it. Never change the way you are, even if you are a dick.

Let’s see…is there more?

Well, there was something happening at the “find myself a waifu”-front. I did write with like 2 girls. It seems though that both lost interest in me. How do i notice that? Well, they stopped answering. Thats pretty obvious huh?😀 I dont know whats that all about. Girls just make way too much of a fuss about a boy that likes to play video games. Thats not that unusual these days, right? So why is that bad? D: Its not like i will try to go out in a forest and kill goblins (even so its mushroom season these days, you might be ending up harvesting those instead). I know what is real and what isnt. Right? Its not like my fantasy gets the better of me sometimes, right? RIGHT?

So, no changes here.

In the end all thats left is randomness and gibberish. Yaaay.And thats the point in this blogpost where i would really like to post a funny gif, but i forgot to save it earlier on. Damn.

Or alternatively to that word, a video that expresses that feeling even better…

Being overly emotional…

You know, im a very emotional human being. Im propably some sort of person that is overly emotional. Im reacting VERY emotional to everything. Someone isnt talking to me like usual? Im going to get fucking depressed like i got some sort of severe illness. I just feel like shit then. People dont ask me if i want to go with them to eat something (even though i already know that i wouldnt say yes)? Im also going to get depressed.

Thats also working for positive things, but thats not nearly as effective. Im thinking about something funny? Hell, im going to be all positive for the next 5 minutes. Im like swinging back and forth. Thats totally irritating. One moment you can be the most positive human being all around and then…well, then you see something. Aaaaand you are depressed again. Its a real issue for me. Its not just my mood, being a bit flexible and all that. Its more than that. If im going to feel depressed, im REALLY feeling depressed. Im not capable to do much then, my emotions are pretty much benumbing me then at those times. Its really hard on your mind like that. And i cant really get rid of it. I propably wont find a way to do that either – i just need to find a way to deal with this properly.

I dont need your sympathy though. Theres stuff out there that is far worse then that. Im okay with being overly emotional as long as i can live my life like i do right now.

And the week flies by…

… and i dont even know what i actually did yesterday and the weather is rainy and cold. Seems like a perfect situation right? Well, except for there not being anything waiting for me this weekend. Ill be just here, writing another master piece that the mases can enjoy while surfing through the internet. And ill think about life, about how i still dont have a girlfriend and why fucking everyone at work is now married or is expecting a kid. Oh, except for those people that already did all those things like 20 years ago. WOW.

Well, anyways, ill do that. Maybe i even will write another blog post about how frustrated i am and all that funny shit. I will judge every living being out there by saying that they are all monkeys without brains, even so im propably more of a being like that myself. I will regret that statement aproximately 5 minutes later and im going to start doing random sportish things because im fat and lazy and hope to achieve things by doing sports for 2 minutes every 5 months. Im totally not angry btw.

Or maybe… im just not going to give a fuck. Life can be so easy.

So, to achieve that kind of inner state of mind…im going to do things. I can help you with that too. Atleast a tiny little bit. Lets start with a gif that i totally do not own.


Ha, 2D is amazing. x) That totally calms the nerves, right? RIGHT? AM I FUCKING RIGHT OR NOT?!

Trying to write english on a mobile device with german keyboard layout sure sucks

Because when i dont take care i accidently start to write in german wurde eben when im schadlos Trying to write in englisch. That Resultat Wort be anything a normal Person volle unterstand, Sinne it wont eben make Sense in german. Now That i Link at it, That totaler looks like a german englisch mix für weird peppen.

K thats enough of that. For now.

And i actually did things + ranting about people

For once! I wrote that blog post yesterday about how i dont do the things i want to do and stuff like that, right? Well, i did some of them today. Its quite funny. Allthough i noticed that this isnt as easy as i thought.

I started writing a story about a young man, lazy, fat, doesnt know what he should do with life and so on. So basically me. I aleady got in mind where i want to go with it, but itll take a while to get there. I fear that i somehow wont stick to it until the end. Even though i dont even know if it will end anyways.

You see, i actually also had a specific format in mind to “publish” that story. I wanted to share it in blog posts. Right here. Yep. I dont believe that anyone actually wants to read that stuff since i personally believe that im a rather bad writer, but who cares, right? Im willing to try.

Additional to that i started some sort of short story about 3 plushies that talk smack to each other. Thats actually rather crude – i started writing that on paper a few weeks ago after i got up in the morning. It was sort of related to a dream i guess. Ill propably start with that stuff to test the waters. Its crude, its silly, its filled with insults, harsh language and randomness. I named my blog random stuff of that weird guy for a reason.

And then theres that other issue. I tried posting in forums again. I used to do that quite a lot a few months back. You know, forums that are related to my kind of philosophical pov. I ended up deleting my posts again. I feel like im not ready to discuss things like that with people. I got a strong opinion, thats not the problem. I just fear the answer that while come after that. People in those kind of forums are just like those guys at your working place – they are going to discuss with you until they twisted your words and denied everything they ever wrote. Examples? Suuure.

Imagine a huge asshole that writes about how those guys that got the opposite opinion of his are always assuming this and that. He writes that in a negative way while not stating that his own opinion is also based on assumptions – they are just the opposite of that what his “enemies” assume. Now, he wouldnt state that negativity openly. If you ask him about it he will deny it. He basically is being a dick while stating that he isnt a dick and hes just discussing things in a friendly manner. I cant deal with people like that. They act like they are the good people here while they are actually in the grey zone like everyone else. You see, im a huge fan of stating directly what you think. No twisting of words, nothing like that. Just state it directly, even if it offends people. Therefore people like that disgust me. Why do you need to act like that when it comes to rather heavy topics like god, spritiualism and all that stuff? If you dont agree with them, state it clearly. Less people will get mad at you if you come clean with your opinion.