Having a sister is hard

Just like the title says. Its really hard.

I visited my parents this morning. I just came back from that. As i wrote in my previous blog post, one of them was really ill lately. They are both fine now and im really happy about that. Anyways, i was visiting them. My sister was also there because of some stuff she had to take care off – you know, visiting doctors and all that kind of stuff.

Because of that we all ate breakfast together. I specifically drove to them because of that. The thing i didnt think about was my relationship with my sister. We never were on good terms, and this didnt change in the last few years. We just didnt talk that much with each other, so i kinda forgot about it. As we were sitting there i kinda noticed that again.

Some sort of discussion started (im not even sure what the starting point of that was), but we started arguing about ME and MY LIFE and how i live it.

As a little note to that, im a really introverted person – and as unlikely as it might be, im happy with my current situation. I dont really have that many friends and i dont have that much contact with most of my family, but that seemed really fine for me until now. Additional to that im spending a lot of my time on the computer, playing games and stuff.

Anyways, she got really mad about it. Calling me a internet addict and that i was unsocial for not calling her on her birthday (which really was a bad thing to do, i know. I should have called her. Thing is, everytime i do that we start arguing and i really didnt want that back then). She also yelled at me for some sort of incident like 12 years ago. We shared one internet cable back then, and our internet speed wasnt really that good. Back then, just like now, i really just wanted to play games on the computer over the internet. She instead wanted to chat with friends and do all kinds of other stuff. We were arguing a lot about that back then. We had agreements about that at that time, but you know how it is when 2 teenagers have agreements with each other, especially if they are brother and sister. So in the end my parents intervened. Apparently, as i got told by her today, my parents threatened throw her out of our family apartment if she didnt leave the whole internet thing be and let me play my games. I propably was kind of a dick back then to her. Im also sure though that she wasnt without fault either. Not the point though.

It just kinda amazed me this morning that this was apparently the issue for her really heated discussion with me, additionally for being an unsocial cunt towards her. And then theres also the issue of her being worried that she would have to take care of me if id ever get ill or anything like that – which is just silly, so i wont get into that.

Thing is though, atleast for the 2nd one there are reasons. See, i dont know what i thought back then when this escalated. I know though that my parents would have never thrown her out. Shes still her daughter after all. And as i wrote, im also sure that the problems she got with my parents back then werent without any good cause for them. But you cant change the past, so i dont want to dwell too long on that.

What i also know are the reasons for my unsocial beahviour towards her (and other people too). As i wrote, im a introverted person. I actually like being alone a LOT. So being unsocial is kinda intended, so i never ment anything bad with it (i know that i kinda neglect with doing that that others could feel bad for me acting this way towards them, but thats just the way i am). Additional to liking being alone i also dont see any sense in unnecessary small talk. I only ask things when im interested. Spares me a lot of trouble. And additional² to that she always critizes me when it comes down to an actual conversation between her and me. Yes, i am using my computer a lot. Yes, i also do that in my free time. No, im not addicted, i do that because its fun. Yes, i also do other things in my free time. No, i dont want to tell you all the details about those other things. Not because those things are bad or anything like it, i just dont think that she needs to know. See, i remember clearly what she said about me still playing video games at the age of 27. She said that people of my age shouldnt do that anymore.

Im not sure what people of my age should do instead. Marry a woman? Get kids? Work 10 hours everyday for large paychecks that i cant spend? You see, i broke down mentally ~2,5 years ago. I really had a rough time back then. I restarted my life with an new attitude, and even though after that i still made lots of mistakes i stick to this new attitude of being positive and doing that what i have fun with as much as i can. I cut out all the unneccesary things in my life. I just want to have fun and enjoy life to the fullest. And i do that these days, just like i did 10 years ago, by playing video games. I never know when i could be breaking down again or when something bad could happen, so i want to make the most out of the time that i have.

So, thats a lot of stuff to read through. I apologize for my broken or false english. I was kinda worked up by this whole topic and i just had to write it down to calm down a bit again. In the end i believe that enjoying life is the most worthwhile goal from them all and im not willing to give this up just because someone (even though it is my sister) thinks that im doing something wrong, just because she lives her life differently.


And with that, have fun out there guys. Cya soon.

Coming back to blogging

Hi guys.

So i neglected blogging (again) for a while.

Some things happened in my life that prevented me from doing that.

One of my parents got sick a few weeks ago, and i had a few things to take care of while that happened. They are both fine now, thankfully, but it wasnt always that easy.

Additionally to that, i started a few hobbies that i was really interested in. Drawing for example. I also played a lot of games – you know, like always. Everyone needs some fun in her or his life, right?

And then i tried to get a girlfriend again aswell. Ah, yep. That worked so well. I met her once, after that she just wrote once that shes not ready yet for a relationship because she doesnt know what she really wants. That kinda came out of the blue right there. Im not sure what her real reasons were, but i propably shouldnt care anyways. She wont answer anymore for some reason and im kinda done with it, although i dont understand it, even now one month after all of that happened.

But anyways, now im here again. I kinda remember that everytime i posted here i had something similar to tell everyone out there. Its weird, isnt it? Seems like life is moving in circles.  I see a pattern there.

So, i dont know if there are further posts to be expected from me anytime soon on this blog. Ill propably concentrate on the other 2 blogs here on wordpress that i have, so im not sure what im going to do and when im going to do it.  So just lets see what the future will bring 🙂

Have some fun out there!

Other people and me

You see, im a bit uncertain these days.

I fucked up all my possible relationships with all kinds of girls recently and there dont seem to be any opportunities like that for me out there in the near future. You see, im a person that hates being lonely.

Thats quite weird, isnt it? I mean, i often seek loneliness for some odd reason that i dont know. I feel strange when im around people. Im not really happy then. I feel better when im alone somewhere, but theres still something missing then. Id like to be with people while i actually want the opposite at the same time aswell. Thats not logically possible. I dont know what to make out of that feeling.

Additional to that, it feels like im not going anywhere recently when it comes to potential friends or potential girlfriends. I kinda feel stuck. Somtimes that doesnt bother me, sometimes i feel really concerned about it. I mean, im smart enough to know that i can not always just do everything alone. There will be a time where i need to rely on people that are close to me. Before i can do that though i actually need people that are close to me. Logical, isnt it? Thats not as easy for me as it is for others.

I recently felt like i slowly changed my mind to various things and im on my way to being a more friendly human being towards others. Thats a long process though, and im still really fucking uncertain about it. Is this really helpful? Isnt being a dick the way to go if you want to achieve something in this world?

I thought that way for the last few years. Look where it got me. I got a good job, sure, but that doesnt make me happy at all. But that depends on your life goals, right? For the longest time i had no goals at all, so i just adapted to a rather hostile and pessimistic environment and became like that myself. As i wrote, im on my way to change that (atleast i think i am).

Im wondering if that will be enough to change my future when it comes to other people. Im also wondering if that is even important at all. Who knows, right?

Im not a good youtuber

And i will never be. Seriously though, i suck hard at that stuff. It all sounds good and funny to me while im playing and doing stuff and everything, but when im listening to it afterwards… good god. Its just horrible. If i were to listen to a 15 minute-long video of me talking about shit i’d go nuts. I propably should stick to other things. Maybe writing? Not sure though.

I may have written about this before (like, many months ago or something), but im still not sure what im supposed to do with my free time. I could do a lot of things, but its up to me willing to invest time in anything.

But i guess i can kinda scrap youtube as an idea. Im no good as a person that wants to speak to others to entertain them. Just because you like to play games doesnt mean that you are any good at entertaining people.

Well, whatever. So thats what i did these days. How are you guys doing?

And i did it again… and im struggling too.

I dont know what this whole “writing challenge” stuff is all about, but i read a lot about it these days. Maybe i should try that at some point. Or maybe i shouldnt because ill just end up cursing and fooling around. Oh well.

Im actually feeling quite good these days. Im like dating meeting up with a girl again (hopefully, soon). Unlike the one before where i wasnt excited at all im quite nervous this time. Shes someone that really got a good character and she actually got similar hobbies and morales like me. Thats something i dont meet quite often. Okay, i pretty much never meet people like that. But because she is like that im not capable to read her behaviour at all. I mean, im bad at that anyways, i know that, but i totally dont know what she wants. Well, i propably going to do things nice and slow here. Or atleast, im trying to. Im way to excited for this so im propably going to fuck it up anyways. Lets see.

Except for that, im writing on a philosophy blog post about refugees. The excitment, right? Theres a lot happening here in germany because of refugees, so i thought it would be appropriate to write about it. It turned out that this is quite hard. I have to be careful about that what i write because i am german when it comes to matters like that. Dont get me wrong, i like it that my country wants to help them with all that we have. But theres a lot philosophical to that. And its difficult to put it in words.

Well, lets see how this will turn out. Look forward to it or something.

Im seeing things. Weird things.

So, i did mention in the past that im playing games, right?

Im in a bit of a dilemma these days. Can i actually play games while im im scared of things? You know, like, can i relax while there are things out there that i should fear?

Im not sure. These days i fear a lot of things. I actually got problems to sleep when im lying in my bed. Theres airplanes, trains, cars…a lot of things out there that make sounds. Im scared of a lot of them. Somehow im recently also scared of asteroids destroying earth. Im not sure why. Chances are that i would notice that before i actually die from that. Sounds and stuff like that, you know.

Well anyways, im slowly fading in some sort of crazy state of mind. Im sometimes seeing a big hairy cat with large eyes, watching me from somewhere. It seems to be friendly though. Maybe thats my guardian angle. Who knows. I once saw that one on the side of the street while i was driving to work. It was somehow a pleasant feeling to see it, allthough i was really confused afterwards.

Odd things are happening sometimes, right? Maybe i will meet that being in my dreams at some point. Im going to hug it then. Or something like that.

My own little fantasy world

Hi guys. How are you doing today?

So, im all about working these days. Im working, im coming home, im eating stuff aaaaand im in bed. Its pretty much like that. Meanwhile im trying to find a girl that actually wants to date me. Thats pretty hard.

And you know, im wondering about all sorts of things too. I may be working a lot, but that doesnt mean that my brain is all occupied. Its that strange feeling that your hands are moving and doing things while your mind is really fucking bored. The stuff i actually need to do at work isnt all that hard, so i got that kind of situation quite often. What to do about that? Well, i solved that one quite early on in my life. Im starting up my fantasy world in my mind everytime my mind is bored. I actually thought of a whole world with characters and stuff like that. A story is happening in that world while i follow a certain character that lives there. That is actually quite fun, allthough i recently had a few “inspirational” problems there. And thats also what i want to write about in the stories i was already talking about in a few blog posts. About that world. Its a weird one though. Im a big fan of animes, so theres a lot of those kind of things in there. I also like emotional and heroic stuff with weak people that discover their strength, so i also put that in there. In the end its propably just one big clusterfuck, but i enjoy it a lot to think up a background story of certain characters. Now theres just one thing left: Write that stuff down somewhere. You cant get your story out there if you dont write it down. But im going to do that awell. At some point. Hopefully. Until then im going to blog here about how much i like that world i want to write about. My very own world. Hmmmmm.

SumItUp-Sunday: Stuff actually seemed to get started, but then it didnt

Hi guys.

Its me, your favorite weird guy in the interwebs. Or well, if you compare me to the likes of gronk (german youtube guy that isnt funny at all) or other internet guys im propablly rather normal.

Today im going to present you with a little summary of that what happened this week.

I mean, i wrote about how i wanted to do things and how i actually did stuff… and you know, i didnt continue to do so. Thats pretty sad. But fear not my dear readers, i really WILL continue my novels at some point. And i will post them here. AND YOU. WILL. LIKE. THEM. Theres no other option for that. Moving on…

I actually noticed my weakpoints this week. Again. Thats pretty much happening all the time. Im a emotional asshole that likes to make fun of people. I simply do so because its fun (…and i dont know how to deal with people otherwise). I also just cant help it. Never change the way you are, even if you are a dick.

Let’s see…is there more?

Well, there was something happening at the “find myself a waifu”-front. I did write with like 2 girls. It seems though that both lost interest in me. How do i notice that? Well, they stopped answering. Thats pretty obvious huh? 😀 I dont know whats that all about. Girls just make way too much of a fuss about a boy that likes to play video games. Thats not that unusual these days, right? So why is that bad? D: Its not like i will try to go out in a forest and kill goblins (even so its mushroom season these days, you might be ending up harvesting those instead). I know what is real and what isnt. Right? Its not like my fantasy gets the better of me sometimes, right? RIGHT?

So, no changes here.

In the end all thats left is randomness and gibberish. Yaaay.And thats the point in this blogpost where i would really like to post a funny gif, but i forgot to save it earlier on. Damn.

Or alternatively to that word, a video that expresses that feeling even better…

Being overly emotional…

You know, im a very emotional human being. Im propably some sort of person that is overly emotional. Im reacting VERY emotional to everything. Someone isnt talking to me like usual? Im going to get fucking depressed like i got some sort of severe illness. I just feel like shit then. People dont ask me if i want to go with them to eat something (even though i already know that i wouldnt say yes)? Im also going to get depressed.

Thats also working for positive things, but thats not nearly as effective. Im thinking about something funny? Hell, im going to be all positive for the next 5 minutes. Im like swinging back and forth. Thats totally irritating. One moment you can be the most positive human being all around and then…well, then you see something. Aaaaand you are depressed again. Its a real issue for me. Its not just my mood, being a bit flexible and all that. Its more than that. If im going to feel depressed, im REALLY feeling depressed. Im not capable to do much then, my emotions are pretty much benumbing me then at those times. Its really hard on your mind like that. And i cant really get rid of it. I propably wont find a way to do that either – i just need to find a way to deal with this properly.

I dont need your sympathy though. Theres stuff out there that is far worse then that. Im okay with being overly emotional as long as i can live my life like i do right now.

And the week flies by…

… and i dont even know what i actually did yesterday and the weather is rainy and cold. Seems like a perfect situation right? Well, except for there not being anything waiting for me this weekend. Ill be just here, writing another master piece that the mases can enjoy while surfing through the internet. And ill think about life, about how i still dont have a girlfriend and why fucking everyone at work is now married or is expecting a kid. Oh, except for those people that already did all those things like 20 years ago. WOW.

Well, anyways, ill do that. Maybe i even will write another blog post about how frustrated i am and all that funny shit. I will judge every living being out there by saying that they are all monkeys without brains, even so im propably more of a being like that myself. I will regret that statement aproximately 5 minutes later and im going to start doing random sportish things because im fat and lazy and hope to achieve things by doing sports for 2 minutes every 5 months. Im totally not angry btw.

Or maybe… im just not going to give a fuck. Life can be so easy.

So, to achieve that kind of inner state of mind…im going to do things. I can help you with that too. Atleast a tiny little bit. Lets start with a gif that i totally do not own.


Ha, 2D is amazing. x) That totally calms the nerves, right? RIGHT? AM I FUCKING RIGHT OR NOT?!