Other people and me

You see, im a bit uncertain these days.

I fucked up all my possible relationships with all kinds of girls recently and there dont seem to be any opportunities like that for me out there in the near future. You see, im a person that hates being lonely.

Thats quite weird, isnt it? I mean, i often seek loneliness for some odd reason that i dont know. I feel strange when im around people. Im not really happy then. I feel better when im alone somewhere, but theres still something missing then. Id like to be with people while i actually want the opposite at the same time aswell. Thats not logically possible. I dont know what to make out of that feeling.

Additional to that, it feels like im not going anywhere recently when it comes to potential friends or potential girlfriends. I kinda feel stuck. Somtimes that doesnt bother me, sometimes i feel really concerned about it. I mean, im smart enough to know that i can not always just do everything alone. There will be a time where i need to rely on people that are close to me. Before i can do that though i actually need people that are close to me. Logical, isnt it? Thats not as easy for me as it is for others.

I recently felt like i slowly changed my mind to various things and im on my way to being a more friendly human being towards others. Thats a long process though, and im still really fucking uncertain about it. Is this really helpful? Isnt being a dick the way to go if you want to achieve something in this world?

I thought that way for the last few years. Look where it got me. I got a good job, sure, but that doesnt make me happy at all. But that depends on your life goals, right? For the longest time i had no goals at all, so i just adapted to a rather hostile and pessimistic environment and became like that myself. As i wrote, im on my way to change that (atleast i think i am).

Im wondering if that will be enough to change my future when it comes to other people. Im also wondering if that is even important at all. Who knows, right?

Im not a good youtuber

And i will never be. Seriously though, i suck hard at that stuff. It all sounds good and funny to me while im playing and doing stuff and everything, but when im listening to it afterwards… good god. Its just horrible. If i were to listen to a 15 minute-long video of me talking about shit i’d go nuts. I propably should stick to other things. Maybe writing? Not sure though.

I may have written about this before (like, many months ago or something), but im still not sure what im supposed to do with my free time. I could do a lot of things, but its up to me willing to invest time in anything.

But i guess i can kinda scrap youtube as an idea. Im no good as a person that wants to speak to others to entertain them. Just because you like to play games doesnt mean that you are any good at entertaining people.

Well, whatever. So thats what i did these days. How are you guys doing?

Beep boop 2. Got nothing to report.

Hellooooo…

So, im reporting in again. Nothing good happened the last few days. I read too much stuff again. I recently discovered that i stopped caring about the opinion of others a tiny little bit (but just a bit. I still take everyone way too seriously). I listen to music right now and im thinking about things. So, everything’s normal, right?^^

So let me link some good music for you:

You are welcome.

so i found that new online dating website…

Hi.

So, im trying out that new online dating website these days. I actually will pay like 30€ for the next 6 months to participate there. I dont know what i should think about that. I wrote with one person till now – she texted with me for like 2 days and then wrote me that the she doesnt believe that we would be compatible. I was baffled. After 2 days of online chatting? Seriously? She saw like 1 picture of me. It was propably my gaming hobby or something like that. I got seriously depressed because of that for quite a while. I mean like – fuck, please would you give me a chance to even try to make a impression before you turn me down?

3 bunnies, sitting in a house…

Just like the title is saying, i bought my 3rd bunny today. God damn i love those animals. I may be a guy, but i just cant get enough of those cute little fellows. And well, they all got a character too. Thats also the reason why the male one is actually scared of the young female one, sitting in a seperated area right next to him. I bet he didnt realize till now that it is actually a female. Oh well.

Storytime! So i texted with my ex last night…

Im tired. Im making my way through the days right now without a real goal. Im just doing things so that i did something. Well. Theres that. But still, had some interesting things happening to me recently.

Or atleast i guess they were interesting. A little example? Okay.

You see, i had a girlfriend back in summer. Im pretty sure i did a post about that back then. I thought i felt all fluffy inside and i really wanted to believe that i found someone that wants to share her time with me. Well the whole thing went downhill after 2 months. No worries though, it was a good thing. We basically never knew each other and tried to project some sort of properties on each other that we wanted the other person to have. But after the first month was done we both realized that this wasnt working for us. A total normal thing i guess. In the end she was a person that wanted to do a lot of things with other people and hated lonelyness and deep thoughts. As you guys might have noticed already if you read this blog for a while longer, im quite fond of being alone. I dont need a bunch of people around me at every point in time. Im actually that kind of person that likes to just sit around and imagine stuff or think about things for hours (It actually got “worse” with that afterwards – i had some sort of mental breakdown and things changed for me then. But thats a different story that i already told on one of my blogs). Point is, we were so different from each other that she couldnt accept it. And well, we broke up. For the last few months she and also me believed that we could still be normal friends (or something like that). Tbh, i never was fond of that but i actually thought i should try that this time. I stopped doing so yesterday. She asked me for some help with her IT problems. She rearely wrote me anyways. It was like she remembered my existence because no one else was capable to help her. And you know, for once in my life i said no. No, i didnt want to help her.

Screw her. Im not a IT support service that can be called after a few months if you need him. If you actually want my help at some point, try to let me know that you actually care without being in need of my skills.

But well, thats not exactly the reason why i actually did the things that followed after that. I wrote her after that that she should delete my number and that she should never write me again. Why did i do that? You know, she asked that aswell in a very unpolite way. I responded that i never knew her and she never knew me. Theres no reason to talk with strangers you dont want to have anything to do with.

As you can imagine, she didnt like that. Not one bit. She actually attacked me personally because of that. Called me a loner and that i should get back to being alone. She also wrote that she had enough of that and she isnt even wondering anymore.

Tbh, im not sure that i know what she was talking about. We wrote like 10 words in the last 8 months. Surely i was a dick there, but i dont know what she meant with she had enough of it and she wasnt even wondering about that anymore. Enough of what? Do i have to understand that? I mean like, not that i really care, but it seemed so out of place in this situation.

Well, anyways, i just wanted to get rid of that. I like the feeling of when i get rid of something that lies way back in my past. It wasnt the best way i guess, but it worked. I never had bad intentions there. Just stating the truth in a very direct way. In the end, another chapter in my life is finally closed.

Thats a good thing after all.

Im still here

Uhm. Hi.

How are you guys doing?

Im not going to write a whole lot right now. Theres not much happening over here these days. Im just sort of sitting here, thinking about things and actually having a good time while doing so. Atleast sometimes. Well, but since i was 2 lazy to blog in the last few weeks i actually thought i should write something again. Propably going to do more if i see the need to do so.

Im currently reading a few books though. Im not nearly finished with them, so it could take a while for me to write more often again. But oh well – the internet wont miss me, right?

fasnet

No, thats not an error. Fasnet is really a word.

Its called “Fasnacht” when you want to leave the dialect out of it. The dictionary tells me that its called shrove tuesday in english. I doubt that this is true.

Its currently happening right here in south germany. God i hate it. So many drunk people, weird clothes and spending money like a fuck fart. That must be fun. Not to mention the hours of standing around in the cold outside in a weird getup.

If you want to see pictures to that, well…

What about that one?

VSAN_TT_2014_So212

Im not going to post more of them. That one pic is from wikipedia, so it should be fine. Check out google for more of them.

If you actually wanna learn something about that tradition, i can cover that aswell.

The story i know is that its a really old tradition where we try to chase away the ghosts of winter and stuff like that. You know, so that the cold goes away and the spring and warm weather and all that stuff will come soon. Its going back to the time where old alemannic tribes lived where im living right now. That would be propably like… several hundred years ago? Idk.

If i would have to compare it i’d say its similar to halloween, just without the american way of doing things.

Btw, you can actually watch those in german tv these days. I guess its the tv station called “SWR” if you are interested in that.

Its too cold for sports. Definitely.

Hi.

So, i wasnt writing that many blog posts recently. I didnt feel like doing so.

But well, i bought a bike. And a i got a important message for all of you who are trying to do sports after you stopped doing so for years.

Dont ride your bike when its like 0°C  outside. It freaking hurts in your lungs. I thought i would collapse when i came home. I guess normally that wouldnt be a problem at all when you are used to moving around like that. But when you arent used to it…oh boy.