So, i got issues with myself. Thats a normal thing i guess, everyone got some sort of issues with themselves. I believe most people dont think of themselves as perfect. But when im talking about issues here i mean serious stuff.
No, im not joking. I mean it that way. Issues.
You see, im a person that got all sorts of social issues. I already mentioned that before. I dont know how to talk to people, i dont know how to act in various kinds of situations. Im trying my best, but my best is often not enough. I adapted to many things though. I know how to handle myself at work – atleast most of the time. Its hard sometimes if the customers do something new. But this isnt what this is about.
I also got issues when it comes to relationships. Im a nervous, easily irritated person. I tend to overreacted to basically everything. My girlfriend already called me a something similar to a drama queen. She is propably right with that. I tend to create drama very easily when i do things.
Why is that? I overthink everything. I think about the most simple things 100x times. Is there some sort of twist to it or is everything okay with my girlfriend or something like that. I do that all the time. Because of that im always under stress. I never feel relaxed. Literally never.
I believe i cant relax because if i do that everything will go to hell. My girlfriend will leave me, people will shit on me and basically everyone will turn on me. This is coming from me not being confident. I also believe i lack trust. I dont trust that what i have right now, thats why im propably trying to control it in some sort of way.
This wont work though. I run myself to the ground like that. I already feel really shitty sometimes. Sad, unmotivated, hopeless. This is also because of other things, sure, but that this may be another reason for that. And i really dont like to feel this way. No one likes that. So i have to change.
Quite honestly, i could go to a doctor with that and everything, sure – but i dont really want to do that. The reason for that is selfish as fuck. I want to get better by my own power. I will only feel like it is fine when it comes through my own actions. Im not ready yet to seek help while i still have hope to do it myself. And i firmly believe that i can get better myself.
Why is that? I mean, i talk so bad about myself, why do i think that i can do that now?
Simple. I may be a total idiot and all of that, but one thing i always was good at was fucking getting shit done and never giving up. I hate to loose. I always did. And i definitely wont loose to my own mind fuckery. Because this is what this is all about. Im unsure, im not cofident and i dont trust in what i have. Sure. But things like that can be achieved.
I also believe that because i was on my way to get better like a few months ago. I really was. I was a lot more relaxed and was a lot more happy in life. But this all went to shit because i lost sight of my own way in life. I need to find this again. I did this back then with buddhism and spiritual teachings of the now. This isnt for everyone, i know that, but it seemed so helpful and true to me back then. Maybe i should try to find my way again by studying those kind of things again. There is hope after all and i want to find it. I believe i can.