The sadness inside of me

Recently i felt rather sad again for some reason i dont know. I feel like that a lot. Its like a rollercoaster when it happens. I feel incredibly sad for a few days; sometimes its even as bad as that im not even capable of doing basic tasks. I was quite lucky this weekend that i was at home. I feel even more horrible when i have phases like that and people are around me and expect me to be happy and all that.

I mean, its not like i dont want to happy then. I really would like to. But i just cant. Its like this weekend. I was free for 2 days and had nothing much to do. It was a while since i had so much time for myself. But then i started feeling that way and atleast on sunday i couldnt really do that much. I posted here (i actually wrote the post on wednesday i believe), but that pretty much was it. I wasted away on my couch, watching stuff. I couldnt do anything else except that.

To clear up some possible confusion there, im not physically ill or something. Not that i know atleast. Im fine! I also wasnt tired or exhausted. My work isnt that hard and im not under much stress. So that makes it difficult to find the reason for those phases.

When they happen i feel so empty inside. Like a big hole of sadness (even though that sounds incredibly weird, doesnt it?).

On the contrare to that i sometimes feel so amazingly good. I could work and do stuff all day. I cant even stop myself then. I just want to do everything. I want to laugh all the time. Im so happy then that it hurts.

Deep down inside i know that this propably is some sort of weird behaviour that exhausts me to no end. I also believe that this is caused by me not being able to chill the fuck out. Im a really REALLY serious person in real life. I have a really hard time to relax. To REALLY relax, not just lying around aimlessly. Just because you dont do anything right now doesnt mean that you relax. That is something else. Relaxing for real is something that is hard as fuck – thats alteast what i believe.

But well, im fine now. We all got our share of problems right? If thats the only issue i have to deal with im still one happy guy. Things like that wont stop me. I wont let them stop me. Never. I fucking fight till im there where i want to be. Thats propably a redeeming feature right there from me – i may live on a rollercoaster of emotions, but im too grimly determined to let that ruin my life.

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