Just like the title says. Its really hard.
I visited my parents this morning. I just came back from that. As i wrote in my previous blog post, one of them was really ill lately. They are both fine now and im really happy about that. Anyways, i was visiting them. My sister was also there because of some stuff she had to take care off – you know, visiting doctors and all that kind of stuff.
Because of that we all ate breakfast together. I specifically drove to them because of that. The thing i didnt think about was my relationship with my sister. We never were on good terms, and this didnt change in the last few years. We just didnt talk that much with each other, so i kinda forgot about it. As we were sitting there i kinda noticed that again.
Some sort of discussion started (im not even sure what the starting point of that was), but we started arguing about ME and MY LIFE and how i live it.
As a little note to that, im a really introverted person – and as unlikely as it might be, im happy with my current situation. I dont really have that many friends and i dont have that much contact with most of my family, but that seemed really fine for me until now. Additional to that im spending a lot of my time on the computer, playing games and stuff.
Anyways, she got really mad about it. Calling me a internet addict and that i was unsocial for not calling her on her birthday (which really was a bad thing to do, i know. I should have called her. Thing is, everytime i do that we start arguing and i really didnt want that back then). She also yelled at me for some sort of incident like 12 years ago. We shared one internet cable back then, and our internet speed wasnt really that good. Back then, just like now, i really just wanted to play games on the computer over the internet. She instead wanted to chat with friends and do all kinds of other stuff. We were arguing a lot about that back then. We had agreements about that at that time, but you know how it is when 2 teenagers have agreements with each other, especially if they are brother and sister. So in the end my parents intervened. Apparently, as i got told by her today, my parents threatened throw her out of our family apartment if she didnt leave the whole internet thing be and let me play my games. I propably was kind of a dick back then to her. Im also sure though that she wasnt without fault either. Not the point though.
It just kinda amazed me this morning that this was apparently the issue for her really heated discussion with me, additionally for being an unsocial cunt towards her. And then theres also the issue of her being worried that she would have to take care of me if id ever get ill or anything like that – which is just silly, so i wont get into that.
Thing is though, atleast for the 2nd one there are reasons. See, i dont know what i thought back then when this escalated. I know though that my parents would have never thrown her out. Shes still her daughter after all. And as i wrote, im also sure that the problems she got with my parents back then werent without any good cause for them. But you cant change the past, so i dont want to dwell too long on that.
What i also know are the reasons for my unsocial beahviour towards her (and other people too). As i wrote, im a introverted person. I actually like being alone a LOT. So being unsocial is kinda intended, so i never ment anything bad with it (i know that i kinda neglect with doing that that others could feel bad for me acting this way towards them, but thats just the way i am). Additional to liking being alone i also dont see any sense in unnecessary small talk. I only ask things when im interested. Spares me a lot of trouble. And additional² to that she always critizes me when it comes down to an actual conversation between her and me. Yes, i am using my computer a lot. Yes, i also do that in my free time. No, im not addicted, i do that because its fun. Yes, i also do other things in my free time. No, i dont want to tell you all the details about those other things. Not because those things are bad or anything like it, i just dont think that she needs to know. See, i remember clearly what she said about me still playing video games at the age of 27. She said that people of my age shouldnt do that anymore.
Im not sure what people of my age should do instead. Marry a woman? Get kids? Work 10 hours everyday for large paychecks that i cant spend? You see, i broke down mentally ~2,5 years ago. I really had a rough time back then. I restarted my life with an new attitude, and even though after that i still made lots of mistakes i stick to this new attitude of being positive and doing that what i have fun with as much as i can. I cut out all the unneccesary things in my life. I just want to have fun and enjoy life to the fullest. And i do that these days, just like i did 10 years ago, by playing video games. I never know when i could be breaking down again or when something bad could happen, so i want to make the most out of the time that i have.
So, thats a lot of stuff to read through. I apologize for my broken or false english. I was kinda worked up by this whole topic and i just had to write it down to calm down a bit again. In the end i believe that enjoying life is the most worthwhile goal from them all and im not willing to give this up just because someone (even though it is my sister) thinks that im doing something wrong, just because she lives her life differently.
And with that, have fun out there guys. Cya soon.