So it took me like 9 days to post here again. Wow. I was active on my philosopher blog instead. I believe that the post there decreased in quality though. I usually just state my own thoughts. Im trying to be honest with that. My thoughts are normally not in english. Thats a huge problem with that.
Anyways, how are you guys doing? Im doing fine. A bit aimless, but fine. I kinda did try to improve myself over the last few days, but i dont really know where i should start. It seems to me like im in a bit of a big hole where i propably should get out of. Sad thing is, i just cant. Other things do amazing things in their lifes, and i…well… I mean, i just have to look at the other people at my working place. They’re really living their lifes. All of them are getting kids or are getting married. I dont know. I mean, im feeling out of place there. I dont have a girlfriend. Im a loner. I propably never will have kids since i hardly can get those without atleast a girlfriend. That implies that i never will get one of those either since in dont know how. That sounds rather pathetic, i know. Dont even try to give me tips or anything like that. I wont read them. I did that way too often in the past and nothing did really help. I appreciate the thought though.
And all of those guys try to achieve their dreams. I dont know, i did not have dreams for a long time. I still dont have any. I already achieved everything i really REALLY wanted. Im earning money and i can already buy what i always wanted. I got my own pets and im living at a nice place. The only things i still would like to have cant be bought.
That leaves me at a bit of loss there. I want to do something but i just cant find anything i should really do in my life. Except for becoming a father at some point, but well, just like i already wrote – i cant buy that, i know that well enough. Im already at a point where i just accept those things. I used to be mad and sad about all that stuff. Right now i mostly just accept it. Thats propably why im such a bitter guy aswell. Id describe myself as disillusioned. Everything seems dark and cold.
That seems to so extremly gloomy, right? :> Well it doesnt feel like that. No honestly. It doesnt. Its just a feeling of acceptance. I also feel that i cant change the situation by mself, no matter what. It just seems to be like it would have to be that way. If that would be a romantic story or shit like that right now would be the point where someone would come in and pull me out of my hole. Wont happen though. The world isnt working like that these days. Especially since im a guy. And you know, i dont believe that i would accept help anyways. The only thing i actually need is a goal i really want to achieve. A goal that also seems possible to achieve for me (a family is not a possible thing for me in my mind). Im still searching for that though. Until then my days in the dark will continue.
Btw, i know of those “cindarella”-stories of those it-nerds that had luck and actually got to make their big dream of being a husband and getting kids come true. I dont believe in that. Im a negative person. There are no fairy tails with a happy ending.